Composer Bios Are F***ing Stupid.

Consider the following excerpts, taken from one and every living composer bio that you’ve ever read (various iterations of my own included):

“Mr.Young Genius has been hailed by the “Wow, Printed Medium” as the leading voice among his generation.”
“For Ms. Edgy Abstract, the boundaries between process and product are defined only by the temporal space relationship between one and the other, pregnant by the listener’s perception.”
“For Ms. Moral High Road, music is more than just notes on a page. Music is a social contract, and an opportunity for her to awkwardly impose her group-thinky values on everyone here…”
“Mr. Technically Accomplished's sweeping melodic sense and breathtaking orchestration has been praised by--you know---someone-----anyone at all will do----because truthfully, there’s not much to say about his music otherwise. Oh, but I forgot to mention he has a really cringy, inane hobby!”
“Mr. Pitiful Wannabe started studying music at the age of when he was a kid. Because what the hell else is there to write at the beginning of a bio?”
“[exotic foreign name] brings the sounds of [exotic foreign place] into the concert hall by integrating [exotic foreign name]’s childhood experience in [exotic foreign culture] with the western concert tradition through a laughably shallow process. [exotic foreign name] understands [foreign place] as an insider in a way that you, as an outsider, can only fetishize.”
“Deleuze, Foucault, Derrida, Kafka, Adorno, Heidigger, Baudrillard, Lyotard, Hegel, and...more Deleuze.”
“After winning both the big AND little dick prizes, Famous Composer went on to record a groundbreaking album that won the biggest dick prize of them all. Famous Composer’s perusal scores are available on rental only through ego publishing in NY, London, and Berlin.”

See what I mean? A living composer's bio almost never contributes any real content or information. It is never about their actual biography (at least the parts that really matter), and only barely about their music. It is a degenerate space for reckless dick-swinging, name dropping, and value-signaling to be filled on concert programs, grant applications and composers' personal websites; an obsolete textbook relic; the broken yardstick used to differentiate among composers--and almost always written in a laughably authoritative third person by the composers themselves.

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